PICKAXE (Film Review)

                               Starring: A. Michael Baldwin, Tiffany Shepis, Cory W. Ahre

                                                     Directed by Jeremy Sumrall

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  Just like a crappy X-Mas gift from a distant relative who only makes it to your house every few years, Jeremy Sumrall's horrific slasher Pickaxe looks like a present with all the bells and whistles. However, upon deeper inspection inside the box, there's only a half-sheet of instructions, and they're written in a language that probably doesn't exist...oh yeah, there's no gift receipt either.

  The film, which was shot back in 2014 under the title The Pickaxe Murders Part III: The Final Chapter follows the hack-happy exploits of killer Alex Black as he grabs a weekend sales-flyer special forest cutting implement to wreak havoc upon some brain-dead "teens" who've ventured into his neck of the woods. From all intents and purposes, the first few minutes were insanely satisfying as a long-standing horror junkie: we had boobs, blood, and all-out sexual aggression on full display. Sadly, what transpires after that was uninspired, insipid and just generally uninteresting to sit through - but I pressed on, and with the assistance of some freshly-chilled beverages was able to endure the duration unscathed...can't say the same for the beverages but that's a story for an entirely different doctor. Starring the scream-queen we all wished lived next-door to us, Tiffany Shepis as a carnal lush and the fella who fought The Tall Man through space and time, A. Michael Baldwin in a solid portrayal as the town sheriff, the duo have decent on-screen chemistry with each other, but sadly that's where the happy talk has to cease.

 Ol' Alex Black is lurking in the woods as a small band of partying pals who are on their way to a concert trample into the wrong forest...GAME ON. Excuse me for one second (exhaustive YAWN follows). Okay - back at it! For those of you who simply do not have a problem with excessive and torturous slayings, mindless choices that just happen to set up said slayings, or people portraying teens that look as if they're a short spell away from receiving AARP flyers in the mail...then this movie's for you! I could drop the dirty hammer on this one all friggin' day, but at the end of it all Pickaxe will most definitely make it to someone's midnight movie party, and I certainly hope they enjoy it for all it's worth, but for this fatigued scrivener, this one simply reads like "what have you done for me lately?"

 RATING: 2 out of 5