WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS (Film Review)

                         Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Maddie Hasson, Johnny Knoxville

                                                 Directed by: Marc Meyers

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   Director Marc Meyers' attempt at an 80's timepiece horror showcase grabbed the biggest piece of lumber off of the bat-rack and stepped into the box ready to knock one out of the park. What we saw at the plate however was a colossal swing-and-a-miss, eventually leaving viewers emptier than the theaters that this was originally to have been shown in...if ya ask me, we all got saved in THAT aspect. The film is titled We Summon The Darkness, and at the risk of sounding a bit too sermon-like, I think we could all pray that this passes quicker than a case of Taco Bell gas-pains.

 Synopsized as "three friends embark on a road trip to see a heavy metal show, set against the backdrop of a slew of Satanic-killings" - so yeah, there you have it - the beauties (Daddario, Hasson, and Amy Forsyth), the beers (compliments of a trio of party buds that the gals meet up with)...then, of course, there's blood and the occasional banging of some metal tunes (minus the ACTUAL metal music - copyrights are a bitch, apparently). Oh hey, did I mention we've got the king "Jackass" himself, Johnny Knoxville as a jerkwater-town servant of God? He's on TV regularly preaching his word to the toothless masses in the hopes of squashing this unholy uprising that's giving his followers a run for their money...AHEM, I mean their "support for the church." Come on, you don't throw into the collection plate from time-to-time either? In any event, the ladies decide to invite the fellas back to their place for a little post-concert celebration, and we quickly learn that this trio isn't what they were cracked up to be...which trio was I referring to - the girls or the guys, you ask? Well, you'll just have to suffer through this 90 minutes like I did if you want that answer, my little lambs of the lord.

 Swerves in the plot are the altar at which this film tries to deliver its message, and if your eyes are at LEAST a quarter of the way open you'll see them a mile out before they hit your windshield. Our main sextet of characters range from slightly off-kilter to just unlikeable in nature, and when the blood starts flying you'll more than likely yawn off each respective kill - they're just that bland in premise and execution (slight pun). I honestly enjoyed Mr. Knoxville (as I have for years with his endless amounts of self-torture), and his role as a holy mouthpiece was corny but entertaining as a whole. We've got a slew of clunky scenes and dialogue that walk hand-in-hand with the inane actions of more than a few souls on-screen, and it all adds up to a gigantic missed opportunity that honestly, should be missed by the masses...oh, I almost forgot - if you're going to base your "80's metal" film around HEAVY METAL MUSIC, could ya at least attempt to have more than ONE SONG of an actual metal band in said film? That's all I've got for this one - please feel free to leave any and all donations in the basket - we'll be counting after the service has concluded.

FILM SCORE: 2(and that's generous) OUT OF 5